My complaint about Discount Gift Cards
Allow me to introduce myself. I’m the founder of the Anti-Discount Gift Cards Society. In this letter, I will tell you what made me form such an organization and how I plan to use it to put to rest the animosities that have kept various groups of people from enjoying anything other than superficial unity. Permit me this forum to rant. I hereby publicly condemn Discount Gift Cards’s insincere ravings. In doing so, I publicly proclaim that it denies that it has been taking advantage of human fallibility to outrage the very sensibilities of those who value freedom and fairness. Its denials clearly contradict reports from eyewitnesses who saw it tormenting, harrying, and persecuting anyone who crosses its path. I’d like to see Discount Gift Cards spin its way out of that one.
When surveyed, only two percent of Discount Gift Cards’s lickspittles agreed with the statement, “Discount Gift Cards has no fixed ethical principles.” This is a frightening statistic to those who rely on, or simply support, social tolerance and open-mindedness. Discount Gift Cards has been going around claiming that courtesy and manners don’t count for anything. When challenged about the veracity of that message, Discount Gift Cards attributed its contradictions of the truth to “poetic license”. That means “lying”. We have to start talking with one another honestly, in honest language. I won’t dwell on that except to direct your attention to the chthonic manner in which it has been trying to establish a world government complete with a world army, a world parliament, a world court, and numerous other agencies that rob Peter to pay Paul. It is sad to see Discount Gift Cards legitimize the fear and hatred of the privileged for the oppressed. Discount Gift Cards’s subordinates probably don’t realize that because it’s not mentioned in the funny papers or in the movies. Nevertheless, I have a New Year’s resolution for it: It should pick up a book before it jumps to the dodgy conclusion that I’m too jealous to put inexorable pressure on it to be a bit more careful about what it says and does.
As pompous as Discount Gift Cards’s adages are, Discount Gift Cards and its foot soldiers are on a recruiting campaign, trying to convince everyone they meet to participate in perpetuating the nonsense known technically as the analytic/synthetic dichotomy. Don’t join that junta; instead, remember the scriptures: “Thou shalt not follow a multitude to do evil.” Oleaginous geeks are often found at Discount Gift Cards’s elbow. This suggests to me that Discount Gift Cards’s inclinations will have consequences—very serious consequences. We ought to begin doing something about that. We ought to develop a rational-empirical base for dialogue about Discount Gift Cards’s perversions. We ought to spread the word that when it was first found making things worse, I was scared. I was scared not only for my personal safety; I was scared for the people I love. And now that Discount Gift Cards is planning to foment amoral forms of political tyranny, I’m unequivocally terrified. Because Discount Gift Cards is so caught up in trying to bamboozle people into believing that this is the best of all possible worlds and that it is the best of all possible organizations, I’d like to conclude this letter by quoting to it the last line of R. M. Rilke’s poem, “Archaic Torso of Apollo”: “You must change your life.”